"No one said that it would be easy"

It’s like the old Sheryl Crow song, “no one said that it would be easy; but no one said it’d be this hard”… the lyrics have haunted me since this past Friday afternoon.  As silly as it may sound, I made a promise to Ellie Mae years ago, that when it was time to go, I would have the courage and the strength to make the decision.  She seemed to agree that her fate was in my hands.  This past Friday afternoon, I courageously held her head and she went to sleep in my arms. 

The floor was hard and the room was cold and uncomforting.  We laid a blanket on the floor and Jamie and I surrounded her making sure she knew that our decision was pure love. Unabridged, selfless love. She seemed to understand.

 Ellie couldn’t make it up the stairs very well anymore and certainly could not get comfortable.  When I woke on Friday morning and saw that she didn’t keep her breakfast down - I knew.  I didn’t want to know; but I did.  I went to work like a zombie and sent Jamie a text message.  He never questioned me, just made the arrangements.  He did everything perfectly like it was a play that he had rehearsed for years.  He knew what to do and what to say; and he was strong even though it was his dog too.  Our first baby. He loved her; yet in his sadness he picked up the pieces of his broken wife and took on the temporary role of father/mother for our boys.  He hasn’t asked me to pull it together or to get over it; he has just been silently taking care of everything so his wife can try and heal.  Trying to describe his love for me in writing is futile; my words do him little justice.

Friends comforted me Friday night and Jennifer, put her own life on hold, and stayed with me all day Saturday. That evening, I lay like a 10 year old girl on my mom’s lap sobbing until I fell asleep.  She knew how I felt; like a piece of me was/is missing.  She knew.  She always knows how to be a mom; even to her 30 something year old daughter.   

Gustie Mae has been lost; she doesn’t know how to function without her companion of 9 years.  She didn’t eat or even go outside for a few days.  Like all of us, she has to learn how to manage life without Ms Ellie.

I am not writing this to solicit sympathy; but selfishly in hope that I can gain some perspective and healing to move forward.  Yes, there will be bigger tragedy in life.  But for now, this is the most heart ache and pain that I have ever experienced.   Now I question my actions and wonder how I could have left such a faithful companion on a blanket in an unfamiliar cold room- and walked out the door…

I wonder when I will start to feel whole again.